and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
