I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Randomize
