I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Randomize
