i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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