His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
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