bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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