I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Randomize
