I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
