Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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