I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
