dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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