he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
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