I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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