Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
