we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize
