I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
