Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
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