Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Is it because I queefed?
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Randomize
