I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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