Porn is love you can see.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Randomize
