It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
