I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
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