i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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