when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
