She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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