Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
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