I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
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