I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
im six kinds of drunk right now
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
