I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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