I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
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