Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
