i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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