hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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