She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
