Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
