My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
