I have demons in me.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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