Who did Billy Mays play for?
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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