trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Randomize
