I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
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