i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
