Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
