I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Randomize
