I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
I supernannyed him into submission
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
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