watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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