ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
