Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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