Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
