So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
