You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
